Риф, или Там, где разбивается счастье

XXIX

           

           “Conventionalstandards?Agirlwho——”Shewascheckedbyasuddenrushofalmostphysicalrepugnance.Suddenlyshebrokeout:“Ialwaysthoughtheranadventuress!”

           “Always?”

           “Idon’tmeanalways...butafteryoucame...”

           “She’snotanadventuress.”

           “Youmeanthatsheprofessestoactonthenewtheories?Thestuffthatawfulwomenraveaboutonplatforms?”

           “Oh,Idon’tthinkshepretendedtohaveatheory——”

           “Shehadn’teventhatexcuse?”

           “Shehadtheexcuseofherloneliness,herunhappiness—ofmiseriesandhumiliationsthatawomanlikeyoucan’tevenguess.Shehadnothingtolookbacktobutindifferenceorunkindness—nothingtolookforwardtobutanxiety.ShesawIwassorryforherandittouchedher.Shemadetoomuchofit—sheexaggeratedit.Ioughttohaveseenthedanger,butIdidn’t.There’snopossibleexcuseforwhatIdid.”

           Annalistenedtohiminspeechlessmisery.Everywordhespokethrewbackadisintegratinglightontheirownpast.Hehadcometoherwithanopenfaceandaclearconscience—cometoherfromthis!Ifhissecuritywasthesecurityoffalsehooditwashorrible;ifitmeantthathehadforgotten,itwasworse.Shewouldhavelikedtostopherears,toclosehereyes,toshutouteverysightandsoundandsuggestionofaworldinwhichsuchthingscouldbe;andatthesametimeshewastormentedbythedesiretoknowmore,tounderstandbetter,tofeelherselflessignorantandinexpertinmatterswhichmadesomuchofthestuffofhumanexperience.

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