Возвращение на родину

I. “Wherefore Is Light Given to Him That Is in Misery”

           Thenhisdistresshadoverwhelmedhim,andhelongedfordeathasafieldlabourerlongsfortheshade.Itwasthepitifulsightofamanstandingintheveryfocusofsorrow.Hecontinuallybewailedhistardyjourneytohismother’shouse,becauseitwasanerrorwhichcouldneverberectified,andinsistedthathemusthavebeenhorriblypervertedbysomefiendnottohavethoughtbeforethatitwashisdutytogotoher,sinceshedidnotcometohim.HewouldaskEustaciatoagreewithhiminhisself-condemnation;andwhenshe,searedinwardlybyasecretshedarednottell,declaredthatshecouldnotgiveanopinion,hewouldsay,“That’sbecauseyoudidn’tknowmymother’snature.Shewasalwaysreadytoforgiveifaskedtodoso;butIseemedtohertobeasanobstinatechild,andthatmadeherunyielding.Yetnotunyielding—shewasproudandreserved,nomore....Yes,Icanunderstandwhysheheldoutagainstmesolong.Shewaswaitingforme.Idaresayshesaidahundredtimesinhersorrow,’WhatareturnhemakesforallthesacrificesIhavemadeforhim!’Ineverwenttoher!WhenIsetouttovisitheritwastoolate.Tothinkofthatisnearlyintolerable!”

           Sometimeshisconditionhadbeenoneofutterremorse,unsoftenedbyasingletearofpuresorrow:andthenhewrithedashelay,feveredfarmorebythoughtthanbyphysicalills.“IfIcouldonlygetoneassurancethatshedidnotdieinabeliefthatIwasresentful,”hesaidonedaywheninthismood,“itwouldbebettertothinkofthanahopeofheaven.ButthatIcannotdo.

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