1984

           ChastitywasasdeepingrainedinthemasPartyloyalty. Bycarefulearlyconditioning,bygamesandcoldwater,bytherubbishthatwasdinnedintothematschoolandintheSpiesandtheYouthLeague,bylectures,parades,songs,slogans,andmartialmusic,thenaturalfeelinghadbeendrivenoutofthem. Hisreasontoldhimthattheremustbeexceptions,buthisheartdidnotbelieveit. Theywereallimpregnable,asthePartyintendedthattheyshouldbe. Andwhathewanted,moreeventhantobeloved,wastobreakdownthatwallofvirtue,evenifitwereonlyonceinhiswholelife. Thesexualact,successfullyperformed,wasrebellion. Desirewasthoughtcrime. EventohaveawakenedKatharine,ifhecouldhaveachievedit,wouldhavebeenlikeaseduction,althoughshewashiswife. 

           Buttherestofthestoryhadgottobewrittendown.Hewrote: 

           Iturnedupthelamp. WhenIsawherinthelight—— 

           Afterthedarknessthefeeblelightoftheparaffinlamphadseemedverybright. Forthefirsttimehecouldseethewomanproperly. Hehadtakenasteptowardsherandthenhalted,fulloflustandterror. Hewaspainfullyconsciousoftheriskhehadtakenincominghere. Itwasperfectlypossiblethatthepatrolswouldcatchhimonthewayout: forthatmattertheymightbewaitingoutsidethedooratthismoment. Ifhewentawaywithoutevendoingwhathehadcomeheretodo—— 

           Ithadgottobewrittendown,ithadgottobeconfessed. WhathehadsuddenlyseeninthelamplightwasthatthewomanwasOLD. Thepaintwasplasteredsothickonherfacethatitlookedasthoughitmightcracklikeacardboardmask. Therewerestreaksofwhiteinherhair; butthetrulydreadfuldetailwasthathermouthhadfallenalittleopen,revealingnothingexceptacavernousblackness. Shehadnoteethatall.