1984

           Nowhehadretreatedastepfurther: inthemindhehadsurrendered,buthehadhopedtokeeptheinnerheartinviolate. Heknewthathewasinthewrong,buthepreferredtobeinthewrong. Theywouldunderstandthat—O’Brienwouldunderstandit. Itwasallconfessedinthatsinglefoolishcry. 

           Hewouldhavetostartalloveragain. Itmighttakeyears. Heranahandoverhisface,tryingtofamiliarizehimselfwiththenewshape. Thereweredeepfurrowsinthecheeks,thecheekbonesfeltsharp,thenoseflattened. Besides,sincelastseeinghimselfintheglasshehadbeengivenacompletenewsetofteeth. Itwasnoteasytopreserveinscrutabilitywhenyoudidnotknowwhatyourfacelookedlike. Inanycase,merecontrolofthefeatureswasnotenough. Forthefirsttimeheperceivedthatifyouwanttokeepasecretyoumustalsohideitfromyourself. Youmustknowallthewhilethatitisthere,butuntilitisneededyoumustneverletitemergeintoyourconsciousnessinanyshapethatcouldbegivenaname. Fromnowonwardshemustnotonlythinkright;hemustfeelright,dreamright. Andallthewhilehemustkeephishatredlockedupinsidehimlikeaballofmatterwhichwaspartofhimselfandyetunconnectedwiththerestofhim,akindofcyst. 

           Onedaytheywoulddecidetoshoothim. Youcouldnottellwhenitwouldhappen,butafewsecondsbeforehanditshouldbepossibletoguess. Itwasalwaysfrombehind,walkingdownacorridor. Tensecondswouldbeenough. Inthattimetheworldinsidehimcouldturnover. Andthensuddenly,withoutaworduttered,withoutacheckinhisstep,withoutthechangingofalineinhisface—suddenlythecamouflagewouldbedownandbang! wouldgothebatteriesofhishatred. Hatredwouldfillhimlikeanenormousroaringflame. Andalmostinthesameinstantbang!wouldgothebullet,toolate,ortooearly.