1984

           Theafternoonwasmorebearable. Immediatelyafterlunchtherearrivedadelicate,difficultpieceofworkwhichwouldtakeseveralhoursandnecessitatedputtingeverythingelseaside. Itconsistedinfalsifyingaseriesofproductionreportsoftwoyearsago,insuchawayastocastdiscreditonaprominentmemberoftheInnerParty,whowasnowunderacloud. ThiswasthekindofthingthatWinstonwasgoodat,andformorethantwohourshesucceededinshuttingthegirloutofhismindaltogether. Thenthememoryofherfacecameback,andwithitaraging,intolerabledesiretobealone.Untilhecouldbealoneitwasimpossibletothinkthisnewdevelopmentout. TonightwasoneofhisnightsattheCommunityCentre. Hewolfedanothertastelessmealinthecanteen,hurriedofftotheCentre,tookpartinthesolemnfooleryofa‘discussiongroup’, playedtwogamesoftabletennis,swallowedseveralglassesofgin,andsatforhalfanhourthroughalectureentitled‘Ingsocinrelationtochess’. Hissoulwrithedwithboredom,butforoncehehadhadnoimpulsetoshirkhiseveningattheCentre. AtthesightofthewordsILOVEYOUthedesiretostayalivehadwelledupinhim,andthetakingofminorriskssuddenlyseemedstupid. Itwasnottilltwenty-threehours,whenhewashomeandinbed—inthedarkness,whereyouweresafeevenfromthetelescreensolongasyoukeptsilent—thathewasabletothinkcontinuously. 

           Itwasaphysicalproblemthathadtobesolved:howtogetintouchwiththegirlandarrangeameeting. Hedidnotconsideranylongerthepossibilitythatshemightbelayingsomekindoftrapforhim. Heknewthatitwasnotso,becauseofherunmistakableagitationwhenshehandedhimthenote.Obviouslyshehadbeenfrightenedoutofherwits,aswellshemightbe. Nordidtheideaofrefusingheradvancesevencrosshismind.