Коллекционер

           TheselastfewdaysI’vefeltGodless.I’vefeltcleaner,lessmuddled,lessblind.IstillbelieveinaGod.Buthe’ssoremote,socold,somathematical.IseethatwehavetoliveasifthereisnoGod.Prayerandworshipandsinginghymns—allsillyanduseless.

           I’mtryingtoexplainwhyI’mbreakingwithmyprinciples(aboutnevercommittingviolence).Itisstillmyprinciple,butIseeyouhavetobreakprinciplessometimestosurvive.It’snogoodtrustingvaguelyinyourluck,inProvidenceorGod’sbeingkindtoyou.Youhavetoactandfightforyourself.

           Theskyisabsolutelyempty.Beautifullypureandempty.

           Asifthearchitectsandbuilderswouldliveinallthehousestheybuilt!Orcouldliveinthemall.It’sobvious,itstaresyouintheface.TheremustbeaGodandhecan’tknowanythingaboutus.

           (Sameevening.)I’vebeenverymeanwithhimallday.Severaltimeshe’striedtospeak,butI’veshuthimup.DidIwanthimtobringmeanything?Isaid,Iwantnothing.Iamyourprisoner.IfyougivemefoodIshalleatittokeepalive.Ourrelationsfromnowonarestrictlythoseofaprisonerandawarder.Nowpleaseleavemealone.

           LuckilyI’veplentytoread.He’llgoonbringingmecigarettes(ifhedoesn’tIshan’taskhimforthem)andfood.That’sallIwantofhim.

           He’snothuman;he’sanemptyspacedisguisedasahuman.

           November20th

           I’mmakinghimwishheneverseteyesonme.Hebroughtinsomebakedbeansforlunch.Iwasreadingonthebed.