Коллекционер
Chapter 2
IthoughtIknewIdidn’tlovehim.I’dwonthatgame.
Andwhathashappenedsince?
Thatfirstdayortwo,Ikeptonthinkinghewouldtelephone,thatitwasallasortofwhim.ThenIwouldthink,Ishan’tseehimagainformonths,perhapsyears,anditseemedridiculous.Unnecessary.Stupidbeyondbelief.Ihatedwhatseemedhisweakness.Ithought,ifhe’slikethis,tohellwithhim.
Thatdidn’tlastverylong.Idecidedtodecidethatitwasforthebest.Hewasright.Itwasbesttomakeacleanbreak.Iwouldconcentrateonwork.BepracticalandefficientandeverythingthatI’mnotreallybynature.
AllthattimeIkeptthinking,doIlovehim?Then,obviously,therewassomuchdoubt,Icouldn’t.
AndnowIhavetowritedownwhatIfeelnow.BecauseIhavechangedagain.Iknowit.Ifeelit.
Looks;Iknowitisidioticallywrongtohavepreconceivednotionsaboutlooks.GettingexcitedwhenPierskissesme.Havingtostareathimsometimes(notwhenhewouldnotice,becauseofhisvanity)butfeelinghislooksintensely.Likeabeautifuldrawingofsomethingugly.Youforgetabouttheugliness.IknowPiersismorallyandpsychologicallyugly—justplainanddull,phoney.
ButeventhereI’vechanged.
IthinkaboutG.P.holdingmeandcaressingme.
There’sasortofnastypervertedcuriosityinme—Imean,allthewomenhe’shadandallthethingshemustknowaboutbeinginbed.
Icanimaginehismakinglovetomeanditdoesn’tdisgustme.Veryexpertandgentle.Fun.
