Коллекционер

           Gettingsuckeddownintothehouseandthehousethingsandthebaby-worldandthechild-worldandthecooking-worldandtheshopping-world.Ihaveafeelingalazy-cowmewouldwelcomeit,wouldforgetwhatIoncewantedtodo,andIwouldjustbecomeaGreatFemaleCabbage.OrIwouldhavetodomiserableworklikeillustrating,orevencommercialstuff,tokeepthehomegoing.OrturnintoabitchyginnymiserylikeM(no,Icouldn’tbelikeher).OrworstofallbelikeCaroline,runningalongpatheticallyaftermodernartandmodernideasandnevercatchingupwiththembecauseshe’ssomeonequitedifferentatheartandyetcanneverseeit.

           Ithinkandthinkdownhere.IunderstandthingsIhaven’treallythoughtaboutbefore.

           Twothings.M.I’veneverreallythoughtofMobjectivelybefore,asanotherperson.She’salwaysbeenmymotherI’vehatedorbeenashamedof.YetofallthelameducksI’vemetorheardof,she’sthelamest.I’venevergivenherenoughsympathy.Ihaven’tgivenherthislastyear(sinceIlefthome)onehalfoftheconsiderationI’vegiventhebeastlycreatureupstairsjustthislastweek.IfeelthatIcouldoverwhelmherwithlovenow.BecauseIhaven’tfeltsosorryforherforyears.I’vealwaysexcusedmyself—I’vesaid,I’mkindandtolerantwitheveryoneelse,she’stheonepersonIcan’tbelikethatwith,andtherehastobeanexceptiontothegeneralrule.Soitdoesn’tmatter.Butofcoursethat’swrong.