Коллекционер

           October17th

           IhatethewayIhavechanged.

           Iaccepttoomuch.TobeginwithIthoughtImustforcemyselftobematter-of-fact,notlethisabnormalitytakecontrolofthesituation.Buthemighthaveplannedit.He’sgettingmetobehaveexactlyashewants.

           Thisisn’tjustafantasticsituation;it’safantasticvariationofafantasticsituation.Imean,nowhe’sgotmeathismercy,he’snotgoingtodowhatanyonewouldexpect.Sohemakesmefalselygrateful.I’msolonely.Hemustrealizethat.Hecanmakemedependonhim.

           I’monedge,I’mnowherenearascalmasIseem(whenIreadwhatI’vewritten).

           It’sjustthatthere’ssomuchtimetogetthrough.Endlessendlessendlesstime.

           WhatIwriteisn’tnatural.It’sliketwopeopletryingtokeepupaconversation.

           It’stheveryoppositeofdrawing.Youdrawalineandyouknowatoncewhetherit’sagoodorabadline.Butyouwritealineanditseemstrueandthenyoureaditagainlater.

           Yesterdayeveninghewantedtotakeaphotographofme.Ilethimtakeseveral.Ithink,hemaybecareless,someonemayseemelyingaround.ButIthinkhelivesquitealone.Hemustdo.Hemusthavespentalllastnightdevelopingandprintingthem(asifhe’dgotothechemist’s!Idon’tthink).Flashlitme’songlossypaper.Ididn’tliketheflashlight.Ithurtmyeyes.

           Nothinghashappenedtoday,exceptthatwehavecometoasortofagreementaboutexercise.Nodaylightyet.ButIcangointheoutercellar.