Зима тревоги нашей

           IwantedtothinkabouttheILoveAmericaEssayContestmyoffspringwereentering.Butbehindtheseandothers,Iwantedtoconsiderwhatwashappeningtomeandwhattodoaboutit,sonaturallyIgotoutthelastthingfirstandIfoundthatthedarkjuryofthedeephadalreadydecidedforme.Thereitwas,laidoutandcertain.Itwasliketrainingforaraceandpreparingandfinallybeingdownatstartwithyourspikessetintheirholes.Nochoicethen.Yougowhenthepistolcracks.IfoundIwasreadywithmyspikesset,waitingonlyfortheshot.AndapparentlyIwasthelasttoknow.AlldaypeoplehadremarkedthatIlookedwell,bythatmeaningIlookeddifferent,moreconfident,changed.Thatdrummerhadalookofshockintheafternoon.Marullohadinspectedmeuneasily.AndJoey-boyfelttheneedtoapologizeforsomethingIhaddone.ThenMargieYoung-Hunt—maybeshewasthesharpestwithherrattlesnakedream.SomewayshehadpenetratedanddiscoveredacertaintyaboutmebeforeIwascertainofit.Andthesymbolwasarattlesnake.IfoundIwasgrinninginthedark.Andafterward,confused,sheusedtheoldesttrick—thethreatofinfidelity,abaitcastinaflowingtidetofindwhatfisharefeedingthere.Ididn’trememberthesecretwhisperofherhiddenbody—no,thepicturewasofherclawedhandsthatshowedageandnervousnessandthecrueltythatcomestoonewhencontrolofasituationislost.

           SometimesIwishIknewthenatureofnightthoughts.They’reclosekintodreams.