Chapter 3

           I’mthemostterrificliaryoueversawinyourlife. It’sawful. IfI’monmywaytothestoretobuyamagazine,even,andsomebodyasksmewhereI’mgoing, I’mliabletosayI’mgoingtotheopera. It’sterrible. SowhenItoldoldSpencerIhadtogotothegymandgetmyequipmentandstuff, thatwasasheerlie. Idon’tevenkeepmygoddamequipmentinthegym. 

           WhereIlivedatPencey,IlivedintheOssenburgerMemorialWingofthenewdorms. Itwasonlyforjuniorsandseniors. Iwasajunior.Myroommatewasasenior. ItwasnamedafterthisguyOssenburgerthatwenttoPencey. HemadeapotofdoughintheundertakingbusinessafterhegotoutofPencey. Whathedid,hestartedtheseundertakingparlorsalloverthecountry thatyoucouldgetmembersofyourfamilyburiedforaboutfivebucksapiece. YoushouldseeoldOssenburger. Heprobablyjustshovestheminasackanddumpsthemintheriver. Anyway,hegavePenceyapileofdough,andtheynamedourwingalterhim. Thefirstfootballgameoftheyear,hecameuptoschoolinthisbiggoddamCadillac, andweallhadtostandupinthegrandstandandgivehimalocomotive—that’sacheer. Then,thenextmorning,inchapel,bemadeaspeechthatlastedabouttenhours. Hestartedoffwithaboutfiftycornyjokes,justtoshowuswhataregularguyhewas. Verybigdeal. Thenhestartedtellingushowhewasneverashamed, whenhewasinsomekindoftroubleorsomething,togetrightdownhiskneesandpraytoGod. HetoldusweshouldalwayspraytoGod—talktoHimandall—whereverwewere. HetoldusweoughttothinkofJesusasourbuddyandall. HesaidhetalkedtoJesusallthetime. Evenwhenhewasdrivinghiscar. Thatkilledme. IjustseethebigphonybastardshiftingintofirstgearandaskingJesustosendhimafewmorestiffs. Theonlygoodpartofhisspeechwasrightinthemiddleofit.