1984

           Butafterthesecondtimeitwasdifferent. Thesmellofherhair,thetasteofhermouth,thefeelingofherskinseemedtohavegotinsidehim,orintotheairallroundhim. Shehadbecomeaphysicalnecessity,somethingthathenotonlywantedbutfeltthathehadarightto. Whenshesaidthatshecouldnotcome,hehadthefeelingthatshewascheatinghim. Butjustatthismomentthecrowdpressedthemtogetherandtheirhandsaccidentallymet. Shegavethetipsofhisfingersaquicksqueezethatseemedtoinvitenotdesirebutaffection. Itstruckhimthatwhenonelivedwithawomanthisparticulardisappointmentmustbeanormal,recurringevent; andadeeptenderness,suchashehadnotfeltforherbefore,suddenlytookholdofhim. Hewishedthattheywereamarriedcoupleoftenyears’standing. Hewishedthathewerewalkingthroughthestreetswithherjustastheyweredoingnowbutopenlyandwithoutfear,talkingoftrivialitiesandbuyingoddsandendsforthehousehold. Hewishedaboveallthattheyhadsomeplacewheretheycouldbealonetogetherwithoutfeelingtheobligationtomakeloveeverytimetheymet. Itwasnotactuallyatthatmoment,butatsometimeonthefollowingday,thattheideaofrentingMrCharrington’sroomhadoccurredtohim. WhenhesuggestedittoJuliashehadagreedwithunexpectedreadiness. Bothofthemknewthatitwaslunacy. Itwasasthoughtheywereintentionallysteppingnearertotheirgraves. AshesatwaitingontheedgeofthebedhethoughtagainofthecellarsoftheMinistryofLove. Itwascurioushowthatpredestinedhorrormovedinandoutofone’sconsciousness. Thereitlay,fixedinfuturetimes,precedingdeathassurelyas99precedes100. Onecouldnotavoidit,butonecouldperhapspostponeit:andyetinstead,everynowandagain,byaconscious,wilfulact,onechosetoshortentheintervalbeforeithappened.