1984

           Undoubtedlysomepeopledidso. Manyofthedisappearanceswereactuallysuicides. Butitneededdesperatecouragetokillyourselfinaworldwherefirearms,oranyquickandcertainpoison,werecompletelyunprocurable. Hethoughtwithakindofastonishmentofthebiologicaluselessnessofpainandfear,thetreacheryofthehumanbodywhichalwaysfreezesintoinertiaatexactlythemomentwhenaspecialeffortisneeded. Hemighthavesilencedthedark-hairedgirlifonlyhehadactedquicklyenough: butpreciselybecauseoftheextremityofhisdangerhehadlostthepowertoact. Itstruckhimthatinmomentsofcrisisoneisneverfightingagainstanexternalenemy,butalwaysagainstone’sownbody. Evennow,inspiteofthegin,thedullacheinhisbellymadeconsecutivethoughtimpossible. Anditisthesame,heperceived,inallseeminglyheroicortragicsituations. Onthebattlefield,inthetorturechamber,onasinkingship,theissuesthatyouarefightingforarealwaysforgotten,becausethebodyswellsupuntilitfillstheuniverse, andevenwhenyouarenotparalysedbyfrightorscreamingwithpain,lifeisamoment-to-momentstruggleagainsthungerorcoldorsleeplessness,againstasourstomachoranachingtooth. 

           Heopenedthediary. Itwasimportanttowritesomethingdown. Thewomanonthetelescreenhadstartedanewsong. Hervoiceseemedtostickintohisbrainlikejaggedsplintersofglass. HetriedtothinkofO’Brien,forwhom,ortowhom,thediarywaswritten,butinsteadhebeganthinkingofthethingsthatwouldhappentohimaftertheThoughtPolicetookhimaway. Itwouldnotmatteriftheykilledyouatonce. Tobekilledwaswhatyouexpected. Butbeforedeath(nobodyspokeofsuchthings,yeteverybodyknewofthem)therewastheroutineofconfessionthathadtobegonethrough: thegrovellingonthefloorandscreamingformercy,thecrackofbrokenbones,thesmashedteethandbloodyclotsofhair.