Коллекционер

           AndallI’ddonewastoseehisrealfacebyit.

           ThelastthingIsaidwas—Wecan’tbefurtherapart.We’vebeennakedinfrontofeachother.

           Butweare.

           Ifeelbetternow.

           I’mgladnothingworsehappened.Iwasmadtotaketherisk.

           It’senoughtohavesurvived.

           December1st

           He’sbeendown,I’vebeenoutinthecellar,anditisabsolutelyplain.He’sangrywithme.He’sneverbeenangrylikethisbefore.Thisisn’tapet.It’sadeepsuppressedanger.

           Itmakesmefurious.NobodycouldeverunderstandhowmuchIputintoyesterday.Theeffortofgiving,ofrisking,ofunderstanding.Ofpushingbackeverynaturalinstinct.

           It’shim.Andit’sthisweirdmalething.NowI’mnolongernice.Theysulkifyoudon’tgive,andhateyouwhenyoudo.Intelligentmenmustdespisethemselvesforbeinglikethat.Theirillogicality.

           Sourmenandwoundedwomen.

           Ofcourse,I’vediscoveredhissecret.Hehatesthat.

           I’vethoughtandthoughtaboutit.

           Hemustalwayshaveknownhecouldn’tdoanythingwithme.Yetallhistalkaboutlovingme.Thatmustmeansomething.

           ThisiswhatIthinkitis.Hecan’thaveanynormalpleasurefromme.Hispleasureiskeepingmeprisoner.Thinkingofalltheothermenwhowouldenvyhimiftheyknew.Havingme.

           Somybeingnicetohimisridiculous.Iwanttobesounpleasantthathegetsnopleasurefromhavingme.I’mgoingtofastagain.Haveabsolutelynothingtodowithhim.

           Strangeideas.

           ThatI’vedoneforthefirsttimeinmylifesomethingoriginal.