Коллекционер

           Nowheoverwhelmsme,heissohuman,sofullofmoodsandgentlenessandwonderfultunesandthingssosimple-deepIplaythemoverandoveragainasonceIusedtocopydrawingsIliked.

           Ithink,perhapsI’lljusttryputtingmyarmsroundhimandkissinghim.Nomore.Buthe’dgrowtolikethat.Itwoulddragon.It’sgottobeashock.

           Allthisbusiness,it’sboundupwithmybossyattitudetolife.I’vealwaysknownwhereI’mgoing,howIwantthingstohappen.AndtheyhavehappenedasIhavewanted,andIhavetakenitforgrantedthattheyhavebecauseIknowwhereI’mgoing.ButIhavebeenluckyinallsortsofthings.

           I’vealwaystriedtohappentolife;butit’stimeIletlifehappentome.

           November30th

           Oh,God.

           I’vedonesomethingterrible.

           I’vegottoputitdown.Lookatit.

           Itissoamazing.ThatIdidit.Thatwhathappenedhappened.Thatheiswhatheis.ThatIamwhatIam.Thingsleftlikethis.

           Worsethaneverbefore.

           Idecidedtodoitthismorning.IknewIhadtodosomethingextraordinary.Togivemyselfashockaswellashim.

           Iarrangedtohaveabath.Iwasnicetohimallday.

           Idolledmyselfupafterthebath.OceansofMitsouko.Istoodinfrontofthefire,showingmybarefeetforhisbenefit.Iwasnervous.Ididn’tknowifIcouldgothroughwithit.Andhavingmyhandsbound.ButIhadthreeglassesofsherryquickly.

           Ishutmyeyesthenandwenttowork.

           ImadehimsitdownandthenIsatdownonhislap.Hewassostiff,soshocked,thatIhadtogoon.