Коллекционер

           Iwasn’tnervous,Ipickedtheaxeupveryneatly,Ididn’tscrapethebladeanditwasthebluntend.Butthen...itwaslikewakingupoutofabaddream.IhadtohithimandIcouldn’tbutIhadto.

           Thenhebegantostraightenup(allthishappenedinaflash,really)andIdidhithim.ButhewasturningandIdidn’thitstraight.Orhardenough.Imean,Ilashedoutinapanicatthelastmoment.Hefellsideways,butIknewhewasn’tknockedout,hestillkeptholdofme,IsuddenlyfeltIhadtokillhimorhewouldkillme.Ihithimagain,buthehadhisarmup,atthesametimehekickedoutandknockedmeoffmyfeet.

           Itwastoohorrible.Panting,straining,likeanimals.ThensuddenlyIknewitwas—Idon’tknow,undignified.Itsoundsabsurd,butthatwasit.Likeastatuelyingonitsside.Likeafatwomantryingtogetupoffthegrass.

           Wegotup,hepushedmeroughlytowardsthedoor,keepingatightholdofme.Butthatwasall.Ihadafunnyfeelingitwasthesameforhim—disgusting.

           Ithoughtsomeonemayhaveheard,eventhoughIcouldn’tcallout.Butitwaswindy.Wetandcold.Noonewouldhavebeenout.

           I’vebeenlyingonthebed.Isoonstoppedcrying.I’vebeenlyingforhoursinthedarkandthinking.

           November22nd

           Iamashamed.Iletmyselfdownvilely.

           I’vecometoaseriesofdecisions.Thoughts.

           Violenceandforcearewrong.IfIuseviolenceIdescendtohislevel.ItmeansthatIhavenorealbeliefinthepowerofreason,andsympathyandhumanity.