Коллекционер

           Butitwasastrugglenottobeordinarytohim.(Imeanlittlethingslike"thatwasanicemeal.")AsitwasIsaidnothing.Whenhesaid,"Willthatbeall"(likeabutler),Isaid,"Yes,youcangonow,"andturnedmyback.Hewouldhavegotashockifhecouldhaveseenmyface.Itwassmiling,andwhenheshutthedoor,Iwaslaughing.Icouldn’thelpitagain.Hysteria.

           SomethingIhavebeendoingalottheselastdays.Staringatmyselfinthemirror.SometimesIdon’tseemrealtomyself,itsuddenlyseemsthatitisn’tmyreflectiononlyafootortwoaway.Ihavetolookaside.Ilookallovermyface,atmyeyes,Itrytoseewhatmyeyessay.WhatIam.WhyI’mhere.

           It’sbecauseI’msolonely.Ihavetolookatanintelligentface.Anyonewhohasbeenlockedawaylikethiswouldunderstand.Youbecomeveryrealtoyourselfinastrangeway.Asyouneverwerebefore.Somuchofyouisgiventoordinarypeople,suppressed,inordinarylife.IwatchmyfaceandIwatchitmoveasifitissomeoneelse’s.Istaremyselfout.

           Isitwithmyself.

           Sometimesit’slikeasortofspell,andIhavetoputmytongueoutandwrinklemynosetobreakit.

           Isitdownhereintheabsolutesilencewithmyreflection,inasortofstateofmystery.

           Inatrance.

           November21st

           It’sthemiddleofthenight.Ican’tsleep.

           Ihatemyself.

           Inearlybecameamurderesstonight.

           Ishallneverbethesameagain.

           Itisdifficulttowrite.Myhandsarebound.I’vegotthegagoff.

           Itallbeganatlunch.