Коллекционер
Chapter 2
Evenwhenhewaslookingattheones(liketheCarmenatIvinghoe)thatIthinkaremybest(ordidthen).Andattheendhesaid,they’renotmuchgood.Inmyopinion.ButabitbetterthanIexpected.Itwasasifhehadturnedandhitmewithhisfist,Icouldn’thideit.Hewenton,it’squiteuselessifIthinkofyourfeelingsinanywayatall.Icanseeyou’readraughtsman,you’veafairishsenseofcolourandwhat-not,.sensitive.Allthat.Butyouwouldn’tbeattheSladeifyouhadn’t.
Iwantedhimtostopbuthewouldgoon.You’veobviouslyseenquitealotofgoodpainting.Triednottoplagiarizetooflagrantly.Butthisthingofyoursister—Kokoschka,amileoff.Hemusthaveseenmycheekswereredbecausehesaid,isallthisratherdisillusioning?It’smeanttobe.
Itnearlykilledme.Iknowhewasright;itwouldhavebeenridiculousifhehadn’tsaidexactlywhathethought.Ifhe’djustkind-uncledme.Butithurt.Ithurtlikeaseriesofslapsacrosstheface.I’dmadeupmymindthathewouldlikesomeofmywork.Whatmadeitworsewashiscoldness.Heseemedsoabsolutelyseriousandclinical.Notthefaintestlineofhumourortenderness,evenofsarcasm,onhisface.Suddenlymuch,mucholderthanme.
Hesaid,onehastolearnthatpaintingwell—intheacademicandtechnicalsense—comesrightatthebottomofthelist.Imean,you’vegotthatability.Sohavethousands.ButthethingIlookforisn’there.Itjustisn’there.
Thenhesaid,Iknowthishurts.
