Коллекционер

           ThinkingIwasgoingtobepulledintosomethicketandrapedandmurdered.Iwassurethatwasitwhenthevanstopped,IthinkthatwaswhyIwassick.Notjustthebeastlychloroform.(IkeptonrememberingPennyLester’sgrislydormitorystoriesabouthowhermothersurvivedbeingrapedbytheJapanese,Ikeptonsaying,don’tresist,don’tresist.AndthensomeoneelseatLadymontoncesaidthatittakestwomentorapeyou.Womenwholetthemselvesberapedbyonemanwanttoberaped.)Iknownowthatwouldn’tbehisway.He’dusechloroformagain,orsomething.Butthatfirstnightitwas,don’tresist,don’tresist.

           Iwasgratefultobealive.Iamaterriblecoward,Idon’twanttodie,Ilovelifesopassionately,IneverknewhowmuchIwantedtolivebefore.IfIgetoutofthis,Ishallneverbethesame.

           Idon’tcarewhathedoes.SolongasIlive.

           It’sallthevileunspeakablethingshecoulddo.

           I’velookedeverywhereforaweapon,butthere’snothingofanyuse,evenifIhadthestrengthandskill.Ipropachairagainsttheirondooreverynight,soatleastIshallknowifhetriestogetinwithoutmyhearing.

           Hatefulprimitivewash-standandplace.

           Thegreatblankdoor.Nokeyhole.Nothing.

           Thesilence.I’vegotalittlemoreusedtoitnow.Butitisterrible.Nevertheleastsound.ItmakesmefeelI’malwayswaiting.

           Alive.Aliveinthewaythatdeathisalive.

           Thecollectionofbooksonart.Nearlyfiftypounds’worth,I’veaddedthemup.