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Chapter 19

Yetitisn’tanythingyourcominghomecouldpossiblyrectify.Ifyoustoptothinkforamoment,you’llseehowtruethatis.Whatdoyouhopetoaccomplishbycominghome?Itisn’twithinyourpowertorestoretomewhatI’velost,andyoucan’tmakereparationeither.Norisitpurelymyloss.It’syourlosstoo,andNanna’s,andalltherest.Youseemtohaveanidea,andit’squiteamistakenidea,thatinsomewayyouwereresponsible.Thispresentimpulselookstomesuspiciouslylikeanactofcontrition.That’sprideandpresumption,Justine.Danewasagrownman,notahelplessbaby.Ilethimgo,didn’tI?IfIhadletmyselffeelthewayyoudo,I’dbesittinghereblamingmyselfintoamentalasylumbecauseIhadpermittedhimtolivehisownlife.ButI’mnotsittinghereblamingmyself.We’renoneofusGod,thoughIthinkI’vehadmorechancetolearnthatthanyou.

Incominghome,you’rehandingmeyourlifelikeasacrifice.Idon’twantit.Ineverhavewantedit.AndIrefuseitnow.Youdon’tbelongonDrogheda,youneverdid.Ifyoustillhaven’tworkedoutwhereyoudobelong,Isuggestyousitdownrightthisminuteandstartsomeseriousthinking.Sometimesyoureallyareawfullydense.Rainerisaveryniceman,butI’veneveryetmetamanwhocouldpossiblybeasaltruisticasyouseemtothinkheis.ForDane’ssakeindeed!Dogrowup,Justine!