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Chapter 18

Tellingherselfshewasrevolted,horrified,disillusioned;allthewhilestaringdrearilyatthewiderectangleofpalelightwhichwasthenightskythroughthewindow,wantingtocurse,wantingtoweep.Itcouldneverbethesameagain,andthatwasatragedy.Thelossofthedearestfriend.Betrayal.

Emptywords,untrue;suddenlysheknewverywellwhathadfrightenedherso,madeherfleefromRainasifhehadattemptedmurder,notakiss.Therightnessofit!Thefeelingofcominghome,whenshedidn’twanttocomehomeanymorethanshewantedtheliabilityoflove.Homewasfrustration,sowaslove.Notonlythat,eveniftheadmissionwashumiliating;shewasn’tsureshecouldlove.Ifshewascapableofit,surelyonceortwiceherguardwouldhaveslipped;surelyonceortwiceshewouldhaveexperiencedapangofsomethingmorethantolerantaffectionforherinfrequentlovers.Itdidn’toccurtoherthatshedeliberatelychoseloverswhowouldneverthreatenherself-imposeddetachment,somuchapartofherselfbynowthatsheregardeditascompletelynatural.Forthefirsttimeinherlifeshehadnoreferencepointtoassisther.Therewasnotimeinthepastshecouldtakecomfortfrom,noonce-deepinvolvement,eitherforherselforforthoseshadowylovers.NorcouldtheDroghedapeoplehelp,becauseshehadalwayswithheldherselffromthem,too.