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Chapter 38

           Busyatthe‘retorting’ofhisgold,hehadbeenchokedbythemercurialfumesandhaddiedinhideoustorment.Atonetimethisnewswouldhavedeeplyaffectedme,butnow,Iwasscarcelysorry.IhadheardnothingofhimsinceIhadcomeintomyfortunehehadneverevenwrittentocongratulateme.Alwaysfullofmyownself-importance,Ijudgedthisasgreatneglectonhispart,andnowthathewasdeadIfeltnomorethananyofusfeelnow-a-daysatthelossoffriends.Andthatisverylittlewehavereallynotimetobesorrysomanypeoplearealwaysdying!andweareinsuchadesperatehurrytorushontodeathourselves!NothingseemedtotouchmethatdidnotcloselyconcernmyownpersonalinterestandIhadnoaffectionsleft,unlessImaycallthevaguetendernessIhadforMavisClareanaffection.Yet,tobehonest,thisveryemotionwasafterallnothingbutadesiretobeconsoled,pitiedandlovedbyhertobeabletoturnupontheworldandsay"Thiswomanwhomyouhaveliftedonyourshieldofhonourandcrownedwithlaurelsshelovesme—sheisnotyours,butmine!"Purelyinterestedandpurelyselfishwasthelonginganditdeservednoothernamethanselfishness.

           MyfeelingsforRimâneztoobeganatthistimetoundergoacuriouschange.ThefascinationIhadforhim,thepowerheexercisedovermeremainedasgreatasever,butIfoundmyselfoftenabsorbedinaclosestudyofhim,strangelyagainstmyownwill.

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