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Chapter 36

           Betweentheirstrainedæstheticismandunbridledsensualism,myspirithasbeenstretchedontherackandbrokenonthewheel,...Ishouldthinkmanyawretchedwomanwreckedamonglove’sdisillusionsmustcursethemasIdo!

           ·····Iamreadynow,Ithink.Thereisnothingmoretosay.Ioffernoexcusesformyself.IamasIwasmadeaproudandrebelliouswoman,self-willedandsensual,seeingnofaultinfreelove,andnocrimeinconjugalinfidelityandifIamvicious,Icanhonestlydeclarethatmyviceshavebeenencouragedandfosteredinmebymostoftheliteraryteachersofmytime.Imarried,asmostwomenofmysetmarry,merelyformoneyIloved,asmostwomenofmysetlove,formerebodilyattractionIdie,asmostwomenofmysetwilldie,eithernaturallyorself-slain,inutteratheism,rejoicingthatthereisnoGodandnoHereafter!

           ·····Ihadthepoisoninmyhandamomentago,readytotake,whenIsuddenlyfeltsomeoneapproachingmestealthilyfrombehind,andglancingupquicklyatthemirrorIsaw...mymother!Herface,hideousandghastlyasithadbeeninherlastillness,wasreflectedintheglass,peeringovermyshoulder!Isprangupandconfrontedher——shewasgone!AndnowIamshiveringwithcold,andIfeelachilldampnessonmyforeheadmechanicallyIhavesoakedahandkerchiefwithperfumefromoneofthesilverbottlesonthedressingtable,andhavepasseditacrossmytemplestohelpmerecoverfromthissickswooningsensation.

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