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Chapter 35

           Iunderstandthereissomevaguelawinexistenceaboutplacinganinterdictiononcertainbooksconsideredinjurioustopublicmoralsifthereissucharule,ithasbeencuriouslylaxconcerningtheauthorof‘Anactoria’—who,byvirtueofbeingapoet,passesunquestionedintomanyahome,carryingimpuresuggestionintomindsthatwereoncecleanlyandsimple.Asforme,afterIhadstudiedhisversetomyheart’scontent,nothingremainedsacredIjudgedmenasbeastsandwomenaslittlebetterIhadnobeliefinhonour,virtueortruthandIwasabsolutelyindifferenttoallthingssaveone,andthatwasmyresolvetohavemyownwayasfaraslovewasconcerned.Imightbeforcedtomarrywithoutloveforpurelymoney-considerationsbutallthesame,loveIwouldhave,orwhatIcalledlove;notan‘ideal’passionbyanymeans,butpreciselywhatMrSwinburneandafewofthemost-praisednovelistsofthedayhadtaughtmetoconsideraslove.IbegantowonderwhenandhowIshouldmeetmyloversuchthoughtsasIhadatthistimeindeedwouldhavemademoralistsstareanduplifttheirhandsinhorrorbuttotheexteriorworldIwastheverypinkandpatternofmaidenlydecorum,reserveandpride.Mendesired,butfearedme;forInevergavethemanyencouragement,seeingasyetnoneamongthemwhomIdeemedworthyofsuchloveasIcouldgive.

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