Если я останусь

           Kimwho,judgingbyMrs.Schein’sabsence,musthaveconvincedhermothertogohome,toletherstaywithAdamandme.IrememberhowittookKimtwomonthstogetpermissiontotakethathelicopterflightwithheruncle,soI’mimpressedthatshemanagedthisamountofemancipationwithinthespaceofafewhours.ItwasKimwhomusthavebravedanynumberofintimidatingbouncersandhipsterstofindAdam.AndKimwhomusthavebravedtellingAdam.

           Iknowthissoundsridiculous,butI’mgladitwasn’tme.Idon’tthinkIcouldhaveborneit.Kimhadtobearit.

           Andnow,becauseofher,heisfinallyhere.

           Alldaylong,I’vebeenimaginingAdam’sarrival,andinmyfantasy,Irushtogreethim,eventhoughhecan’tseemeandeventhough,fromwhatIcantellsofar,it’snothinglikethatmovieGhost,whereyoucanwalkthroughyourlovedonessothattheyfeelyourpresence.

           ButnowthatAdamishere,I’mparalyzed.I’mscaredtoseehim.Toseehisface.I’veseenAdamcrytwice.OncewhenwewatchedIt’saWonderfulLife.AndanothertimewhenwewereinthetrainstationinSeattleandwesawamotheryellingandswattinghersonwhohadDownsyndrome.HejustgotquietanditwasonlywhenwewerewalkingawaythatIsawthetearsrollingdownhischeeks.Anditdamnneartoremyheartout.Ifheiscrying,itwillkillme.Forgetthismychoicebusiness.Thatalonewilldomein.

           I’msuchachickenshit.

           Ilookattheclockonthewall.It’spastsevennow.ShootingStarwillnotbeopeningforBikiniafterall.Whichisashame.