Если я останусь

           SometimesIcanalmostfallasleepwhilesittingonthebarstoolatherkitchencounterandlisteningtoher,andIwonderifIcoulddothatheretoday.Sleepwouldbesowelcome.Awarmblanketofblacktoeraseeverythingelse.Sleepwithoutdreams.I’veheardpeopletalkaboutthesleepofthedead.Isthatwhatdeathwouldfeellike?Thenicest,warmest,heaviestnever-endingnap?Ifthat’swhatit’slike,Iwouldn’tmind.Ifthat’swhatdyingislike,Iwouldn’tmindthatatall.

           Ijerkmyselfup,apanicdestroyingwhatevercalmlisteningtoGranhadoffered.Iamstillnotentirelyclearontheparticularshere,butIdoknowthatonceIfullycommittogoing,I’llgo.ButI’mnotready.Notyet.Idon’tknowwhy,butI’mnot.AndI’malittlescaredthatifIaccidentallythink,Iwouldn’tmindanendlessnap,itwillhappenandbeirreversible,likethewaymygrandparentsusedtowarnmethatifImadeafunnyfaceastheclockstrucknoon,itwouldremainlikethatforever.

           Iwonderifeverydyingpersongetstodecidewhethertheystayorgo.Itseemsunlikely.Afterall,thishospitalisfullofpeoplehavingpoisonouschemicalspumpedintotheirveinsorsubmittingtohorribleoperationsallsotheycanstay,butsomeofthemwilldieanyway.

           DidMomandDaddecide?Ithardlyseemsliketherewouldhavebeentimeforthemtomakesuchamomentousdecision,andIcan’timaginethemchoosingtoleavemebehind.