Killer Cage

           "Shit,it’sstarted!Don’tgetyourballsblownoff,gents!"

           Battle159.

           Idartforward,myJacket’sDopplersettomax.

           Ispotatarget,fire,duck.Ajavelinwhizzespastmyhead.

           "Who’supthere?You’retoofarforward!Youwannagetyourselfkilled?"

           Thelieutenantsaidthesamethingeverytime.Iwipedsandfrommyhelmet.Thundereruptedfromtheshellscrisscrossingthesky.IglancedatFerrellandnodded.

           Thistimethebattlewouldend.IfIstoodbyandwatchedasYonabaruandFerrelldied,theywouldn’tbecomingback.Itallcamedowntothis.Therewasnorepeatingthisbattle.Thefearthatclawedatmygutswasn’tfearofdeath,itwasfearoftheunknown.Iwantedtothrowdownmyrifleandaxeandfindabedtohideunder.

           Anormalreaction-theworldwasn’tmeanttorepeatitself.Igrinnedinspiteofthebutterfliesinmystomach.Iwasstrugglingwiththesamefeareveryonestruggleswith.Iwasputtingmylife-theonlyoneIhad-ontheline.

           "You’renotactuallycaughtinatimeloop,"Ritahadexplainedtome.Myexperiencesofthe158previousbattleswerereal;itwasmewhodidn’treallyexist.Whoeveritwasthathadbeentherefortheexcruciatingpain,hopelessness,andthehotpissinhisJacket,hewasonlyashatteredmemorynow.

           Ritatoldmethatfromthepointofviewofthepersonwiththememory,therewasnodifferencebetweenhavinghadanactualexperienceandonlyhavingthememoryofit.Soundedlikephilosophicalbullshittome.Ritadidn’tseemtounderstanditallthatwelleither.