Поющие в терновнике

           Theshockofhavingtopullherselfupinthemidstofaspontaneousreaction—ImustremembertotellDaneaboutthis,he’llgetsuchakickoutofit—thatwaswhathurtthemost.Andbecauseitkeptonoccurringsooften,itprolongedthegrief.Hadthecircumstancessurroundinghisdeathbeenlesshorrifyingshemighthaverecoveredmorequickly,butthenightmareeventsofthosefewdaysremainedvivid.Shemissedhimunbearably;hermindwouldreturnagainandagaintotheincrediblefactofDanedead,Danewhowouldnevercomeback.

           Thentherewastheconvictionthatshehadn’thelpedhimenough.Everyonesaveherseemedtothinkhewasperfect,didn’texperiencethetroublesothermendid,butJustineknewhehadbeenplaguedbydoubts,hadtormentedhimselfwithhisownunworthiness,hadwonderedwhatpeoplecouldseeinhimbeyondthefaceandthebody.PoorDane,whoneverseemedtounderstandthatpeoplelovedhisgoodness.Terribletorememberitwastoolatetohelphimnow.

           Shealsogrievedforhermother.Ifhisdyingcoulddothistoher,whatmustithavedonetoMum?Thethoughtmadeherwanttorunscreamingandcryingfrommemory,consciousness.ThepictureoftheUnksinRomeforhisordination,puffingouttheirproudchestslikepouterpigeons.Thatwastheworstofall,visualizingtheemptydesolationofhermotherandtheotherDroghedapeople.

           Behonest,Justine.Wasthishonestlytheworst?Wasn’ttheresomethingfarmoredisturbing?Shecouldn’tpushthethoughtofRainaway,orwhatshefeltasherbetrayalofDane.