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Chapter 18
Andashefloatedeasilyaterriblepainblossomedinhischest,surelyasaspearwouldfeel,onelongandred-hotshaftofscreamingagony.Hecriedout,threwhisarmsupabovehishead,stiffening,musclesconvulsed;butthepaingrewworse,forcedhisarmsdownagain,thrusthisfistsintohisarmpits,broughtuphisknees.Myheart!I’mhavingaheartattack,I’mdying!Myheart!Idon’twanttodie!Notyet,notbeforeI’vebegunmywork,notbeforeI’vehadachancetoprovemyself!DearLord,helpme!Idon’twanttodie,Idon’twanttodie!
Thespasmedbodystilled,relaxed;Daneturnedontohisback,lethisarmsfloatwideandlimpinspiteofthepain.Wet-lashed,hestaredupatthesoaringvaultofthesky.Thisisit;thisisThyspear,thatIinmypridebeggedfornotanhourago.Givemethechancetosuffer,Isaid,makemesuffer.NowwhenitcomesIresist,notcapableofperfectlove.DearestLord,Thypain!Imustacceptit,Imustnotfightit,ImustnotfightThywill.ThyhandismightyandthisisThypain,asThoumusthavefeltitontheCross.MyGod,myGod,IamThine!IfthisisThywill,sobeit.LikeachildIputmyselfintoThyinfinitehand.Thouarttoogoodtome.WhathaveIdonetodeservesomuchfromThee,andfromthepeoplewholovemebetterthantheyloveanyoneelse?WhyhastThougivenmesomuch,whenIamnotworthy?Thepain,thepain!Thouartsogoodtome.Letitnotbelong,Iasked,andithasnotbeenlong.Mysufferingwillbeshort,quicklyover.
