Чума

           Irealizedwithashockthatmyfathermusthavebeenpresentatthesemurdersonseveraloccasionsandthatthosewerethesamedayswhenhegotupveryearly.Yes,onsuchoccasionshesethisalarm.Ididnotdarespeakaboutittomymother,butIlookedmorecloselyatherandrealizedthattherewasnolongeranythingbetweenthemandthatsheledalifeofrenunciation.Thishelpedmetoforgiveher,asIsaidtomyselfatthetime.Later,Iunderstoodthattherewasnothingtoforgive,becauseshehadbeenpoorallherlifeuntilhermarriageandpovertyhadtaughtherresignation.

           "NodoubtyouareexpectingmetotellyouthatIlefthomeatonce.No,Istayedforseveralmonths,almostayear.ButIwassickatheart.Oneeveningmyfatheraskedforhisalarmclockbecausehehadtogetupearly.ThatnightIdidn’tsleep,andthefollowingday,whenhecamehome,I’dleft.ImustsayatoncethathelookedformeandthatIwenttoseehim;withoutanyexplanation,ItoldhimcalmlythatI’dkillmyselfifheforcedmetocomeback.Eventuallyheaccepted,becausehewasquitemildbynature;hegavemeaspeechabouthowsillyitwastowanttoliveone’sownlife(thisishowheexplainedmyactionsandIdidnottrytopersuadehimotherwise),andlotsofgoodadvice,whileholdingbackthegenuinetearsthatcametohiseyes.Subsequently,thoughquitealongtimeafterwards,IwouldgoregularlytoseemymotherandthenIwouldmeethim.Ithinkthisrelationshipwasallheneeded.