Чужак в чужой стране

Chapter 36

           "That’swhatitshouldbe.Butthat’swhatIslowlygrokkeditrarelywas.Insteaditwasindifferenceandactsmechanicallyperformedandrapeandseductionasagamenobetterthanroulettebutwithpooreroddsandprostitutionandcelibacybychoiceandbynochoiceandfearandguiltandhatredandviolenceandchildrenbroughtuptothinkthatsexwas‘bad’and‘shameful’and‘animal’andsomethingtobehiddenandalwaysdistrusted.Thislovelyperfectthing,male-femaleness,turnedupsidedownandinsideoutandmadehorrible.

           "Andeveryoneofthosewrongthingsisacorollaryof‘jealousy.’Jubal,Icouldn’tbelieveit.Istilldon’tgrok‘jealousy’infullness,itseemsaninsanitytome,aterriblewrongness.WhenIfirstlearnedwhatthisecstasywas,myfirstthoughtwasthatIwantedtoshareit,shareitatoncewithallmywaterbrothersdirectlywiththosefemale,indirectlybyinvitingmoresharingwiththosemale.Thenotionoftryingtokeepthisnever-failingfountaintomyselfwouldhavehorrifiedme,hadIthoughtofit.ButIwasincapableofthinkingofit.AndinperfectcorollaryIhadnottheslightestwishtoattemptthismiraclewithanyoneIdidnotalreadyloveandtrustJubal,Iamphysicallyunableeventoattemptlovewithafemalewhohasnotalreadysharedwaterwithme.AndthissamethingrunsallthroughtheNest.Psychicimpotenceunlessourspiritsblendasourfleshblends."

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