Если я останусь
4:57 A.M.
"Ididokay,"ItoldAdam,andasIsaidit,IrealizedthatI’djuststraight-outliedtohimforthefirsttime,andthatthiswasdifferentfromallthelyingbyomissionI’dbeendoingbefore.
IhadneglectedtotellAdamthatIwasapplyingtoJuilliardinthefirstplace,whichwasactuallyharderthanitsounded.BeforeIsentinmyapplication,IhadtopracticeeverysparemomentwithProfessorChristietofine-tunetheShostakovichconcertoandthetwoBachsuites.WhenAdamaskedmewhyIwassobusy,Igavepurposelyvagueexcusesaboutlearningtoughnewpieces.Ijustifiedthistomyselfbecauseitwastechnicallytrue.AndthenProfessorChristiearrangedformetohavearecordingsessionattheuniversitysoIcouldsubmitahigh-qualityCDtoJuilliard.IhadtobeatthestudioatseveninthemorningonaSundayandthenightbeforeI’dpretendedtobefeelingoutofsortsandtoldAdamheprobablyshouldn’tstayover.I’djustifiedthatfib,too.IwasfeelingoutofsortsbecauseIwassonervous.So,itwasn’tareallie.Andbesides,Ithought,therewasnopointinmakingabigfussaboutit.Ihadn’ttoldKim,either,soitwasn’tlikeAdamwasgettingspecialdeceptiontreatment.
ButafterItoldhimI’donlydoneokayattheaudition,IhadthefeelingthatIwaswadingintoquicksand,andthatifItookonemorestep,there’dbenoextricatingmyselfandI’dsinkuntilIsuffocated.SoItookadeepbreathandheavedmyselfbackontosolidground."Actually,that’snottrue,"ItoldAdam."Ididreallywell.
