Если я останусь
4:57 A.M.
Hesquatsdown,takesmyrighthandintohis,andcarefultonotbumpintomytubesandwires,drawshismouthtothem,blowingwarmairintotheshelterhe’screated."Youandyourcrazyhands."Adamisalwaysamazedathoweveninmiddleofsummer,evenafterthesweatiestofencounters,myhandsstaycold.Itellhimit’sbadcirculationbuthedoesn’tbuyitbecausemyfeetareusuallywarm.HesaysIhavebionichands,thatthisiswhyI’msuchagoodcelloplayer.
Iwatchhimwarmmyhandsashehasdoneathousandtimesbefore.Ithinkofthefirsttimehedidit,atschool,sittingonthelawn,asifitwerethemostnaturalthingintheworld.Ialsorememberthefirsttimehediditinfrontofmyparents.WewereallsittingontheporchonChristmasEve,drinkingcider.Itwasfreezingoutside.Adamgrabbedmyhandsandblewonthem.Teddygiggled.MomandDaddidn’tsayanything,justexchangedaquicklook,somethingprivatethatpassedbetweenthemandthenMomsmiledruefullyatus.
IwonderifItried,ifIcouldfeelhimtouchingme.IfIweretoliedownontopofmyselfinthebed,wouldIbecomeonewithmybodyagain?WouldIfeelhimthen?IfIreachedoutmyghostlyhandtohis,wouldhefeelme?Wouldhewarmthehandshecannotsee?
Adamdropsmyhandandstepsforwardtolookatme.HeisstandingsoclosethatIcanalmostsmellhimandI’moverpoweredbytheneedtotouchhim.It’sbasic,primal,andall-consumingthewayababyneedsitsmother’sbreast.
