Если я останусь
10:40 P.M.
I’mstillnak*dfromthewaistdownastheyhustlemeout,butrightbeforeIreachthebackdoor,NurseRamirezcalls,"Wait!"andthengentlyclosesthehospitalgownaroundmylegs.Shetapsmethreetimesontheforeheadwithherfingers,likeit’ssomekindofMorsecodemessage.AndthenI’mgoneintothemazeofhallwaysleadingtowardtheORforanotherroundofcutting,butthistimeIdon’tfollowmyself.ThistimeIstaybehindintheICU.
Iamstartingtogetitnow.Imean,Idon’ttotallyfullyunderstand.It’snotlikeIsomehowcommandedabloodvesseltopopopenandstartleakingintomystomach.It’snotlikeIwishedforanothersurgery.ButTeddyisgone.MomandDadaregone.ThismorningIwentforadrivewithmyfamily.AndnowIamhere,asaloneasI’veeverbeen.Iamseventeenyearsold.Thisisnothowit’ssupposedtobe.Thisisnothowmylifeissupposedtoturnout.
InthequietcorneroftheICUIstarttoreallythinkaboutthebitterthingsI’vemanagedtoignoresofartoday.WhatwoulditbelikeifIstay?Whatwoulditfeelliketowakeupanorphan?ToneversmellDadsmokeapipe?ToneverstandnexttoMomquietlytalkingaswedothedishes?ToneverreadTeddyanotherchapterofHarryPotter?Tostaywithoutthem?
I’mnotsurethisisaworldIbelonginanymore.I’mnotsurethatIwanttowakeup.
I’veonlyeverbeentoonefuneralinmylifeanditwasforsomeoneIhardlyknew.
ImighthavegonetoGreat-AuntGlo’sfuneralaftershediedofacutepancreatitis.
