Если я останусь
10:40 P.M.
Ifoneofusshouldhavebeenleftbehind,ifoneofusshouldbegiventheopportunityformorelife,itshouldbehim.
Iracethroughthehospitallikeatrappedwildanimal.Teddy?Icall.Whereareyou?Comebacktome!
Buthewon’t.Iknowit’sfruitless.IgiveupanddragmyselfbacktomyICU.Iwanttobreakthedoubledoors.Iwanttosmashthenurses’station.Iwantitalltogoaway.Iwanttogoaway.Idon’twanttobehere.Idon’twanttobeinthishospital.Idon’twanttobeinthissuspendedstatewhereIcanseewhat’shappening,whereI’mawareofwhatI’mfeelingwithoutbeingabletoactuallyfeelit.Icannotscreamuntilmythroathurtsorbreakawindowwithmyfistuntilmyhandbleeds,orpullmyhairoutinclumpsuntilthepaininmyscalpovercomestheoneinmyheart.
I’mstaringatmyself,atthe"live"Mianow,lyinginherhospitalbed.Ifeelaburstoffury.IfIcouldslapmyownlifelessface,Iwould.
Instead,Isitdowninthechairandclosemyeyes,wishingitallaway.ExceptIcan’t.Ican’tconcentratebecausethere’ssuddenlysomuchnoise.Mymonitorsareblippingandchirpingandtwonursesareracingtowardme.
"HerBPandpulseoxaredropping,"oneyells.
"She’stachycardic,"theotheryells."Whathappened?"
"Codeblue,codeblueinTrauma,"blaresthePA.
Soonthenursesarejoinedbyableary-eyeddoctor,rubbingthesleepoutofhiseyes,whichareringedbydeepcircles.Heyanksdownthecoversandliftsmyhospitalgown.
